a viscous circle.

I viscous circle.. That is what I live..... but only when it comes to school work.

I put everything off until the last minute, and I pressure my self into doing it and I stress my self out about it. Yet I can not bring my self to change from procrastinating on everything, so now its time to cram again....

christmas!

Well, I am so lazy to go find a christmas picture right now but I must say this year has out done it's self one more time! Not because of my awesome gifts..but don't get me wrong they were awesome! But just because of my family.. All ten of us sitting around the couch just laughing SO much. Talking about so many old times made me laugh and that is what I love about this day. Everyone's stress is gone and everyone is having a grand time! I love this day and I could write about it forever!

Winter Break...

And this is how I now live. I say little to none about what is going on and when ask, I give some fake answer. And I don't know why! I truly believe if I do not talk of them... they will vanish! but no they like to just keep coming. and I just keep crying about it. I wish I could say this was my rant, but it is my new reality. I sucks to think about, but maybe I need to take sometime to my self and think. I don't where to go from here. I am going to keep busy, and keep my smile on cause there is nothing I can do....but maybe you can help. Well yeah.. Where to begin with winter break, so far.. it has been great! today I had a ton of fun! I love all my friends.. and I hope they all had fun as well. I could sit and list every fun thing I am looking forward too this break.. but that would break the rules of my blog. This is my rant place, I can bitch about what ever and you still listen. And that is why I love it! So, back to my point. Break has been great. I have been seeing all my lovely friends, and just living life, cause that is what i love to do! But also in the past couple of days, every dream of my has been crushed. Into a ball, thrown out the window, stepped on, and but. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. What in life have a worked for. Why have I tried? What is my point? Do you really even care? I know I have forgotten about you, and said/did things I was not suppose to, but please! Help me out here! I really need your guidance! And I miss you. A lot. our talks and just the way things were. But no point in dwelling on the past. When there are things & people that ruin every single part of your future! What is my point anymore? Who really cares?

My friends all made fun of me for having a quote as my background: "I like to pretend that everything is alright. Because when everyone else thinks you're fine, you forget for a while that you're not"

And this is how I now live. I say little to none about what is going on and when ask, I give some fake answer. And I don't know why! I truly believe if I do not talk of them... they will vanish! but no, they like to just keep coming. and I just keep crying about it. I wish I could say this was my rant, but it is my new reality. I sucks to think about, but maybe I need to take sometime to myself and think. I don't where to go from here. I am going to keep busy, and keep my smile on cause there is nothing I can do....but maybe you can help.

To end on a lighter note I am very excited for the following days to come! I have so many exciting things and I will keep taking it day at a time!

FREAK OUT!

OK, well I freak about once a week. But I have been freaking out for a month. But especially this week. I can't speak, I can think, I can't move, and I can not get my thought together. I am going around saying things that I have no business saying mad things I do not mean. I am legit going crazy and freaking out about everything!! I need a break from it all. I need to run away and hide for all. I need someone.

Ouch.

Ouch, this hurts really bad. I do not know what to do any more.

I am a mess.

On the bright side......

11 Days**
277 Hours**

16582 Minutes

Until Christmas!!!

hmmm

Well, today was a really bad day that went decent.

I got to sleep in, and I tried not to think about it.

I told no one, but that is the way I like it.. cause there is nothing to be said about this day.

I did not think about it all day, which is a good thing cause some days it can really get to me.

But today was a day that stayed strong.. and I thank God for that!

It is still a battle especially next week when I see my doctor, but I take it one day at a time and i will deal with that later.

Today I got to be with you, and that makes me happy.

But, I am not going to speak to soon here!

15 Days**
372 Hours**

22269 Minutes

UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!

tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is coming and there is no way around it.

It is going to suck.

It has been a year.....again

I Am Still Waiting.

I still miss you.. and I am still waiting for this day.

Hopefully it comes sooner than later.

But I will wait.

I miss you

I miss you so much, yet i cannot tell you.

I can not change you, but I am going to try.

Because I do miss what we had.

How much fun we had and everything.

I want to tell you, but I know I cannot. That would just make things worse.

I try to fix things, but I just can't. Maybe I need to accept this.

I wish I could... but that is not reality.

So please, help me here. Because I do miss you!

Let it SNOW!!

I love the snow.
So, let it snow!
I have nothing to do today, but play in the snow.
This is my favorite part of this year, and this is why I could love no where else. ok maybe Colorado, but that is about it!
The snow is so pretty is makes me smile!
I just LOVE the snow!!!

I wish....

I wish for a lot of things in life,
I wish for this and I wish for that...
but right now I am wishing for three things.
Two are major, while one is lame.
Right now I wish I could do my homework well.

But I will always wish...

CHICAGO BEARS!!!

Today, I went to the Bears game!
We have awesome seats at the 20 yard line 9th on the first level!
You can't ask for much more then that... but other then that THEY WON!!!
The bears were not suppose to win, but the pulled it out and made it look easy!
They beat a very good team, with a good quarterback. But he is a bad person. I do not like Vick!
Anyways, they won!!!!!!

One Step

TODAY I GOT THE NEWS THAT I AM ONE STEP CLOSER TO FINDING OUT MY DREAM!!
I MADE EARLY ACTION! AND THAT IS PROGRESS! I AM GETTING CLOSE TO FINDING OUT
THIS DECEMBER IS GOING TO BE AWESOME OR AWEFUL... AND NO MIDDLE.
I HOPE THIS WORKS OUT.. IT WILL BE THE BEST DAY EVERE *100!!!!

well, other then the fact that I have a test tomorrow and NOTHING done about it, and i failed two other test this week... oh well!!!!

You are rude in hidden ways. Yet you have not a clue what you do.
And yet I sit around and take all of the BS
Whatever. It's fine.

one thing

So tonight after another weird conversation, I can to a realization.
I need to make a choice
Continue to talk with you and see what happens or be completely done.
It has been way to long now, you have been on my mind to much and I need to do something about it.
My friends are done with it, so I know I need to decided what to do.
I don't know i will miss it, but you do not know until you try.
At this point it is just getting annoying and I know that, but part of me like thats.
I have no reason to continue to, but some how i always mange to justify it.
I know this is getting redundant, I am even getting annoyed with it.
So somethings needs to be done about this, but I cannot make a decision.

Hmm.

hmm,
What to do
What to do
Thinking thinking
i just don't know what to do.

coming to a close.

Today I had my last outdoor soccer game, at the hawks fields.
I have been playing there for 8ish year, and I have loved every minute of it. Everyone girl and every coach.
Yes I may have be frustrated at time, but never enough to get me down!
I have absolutely loved it!
Many girls have come and gone, but I have loved everyone of them and I have loved playing soccer.
Soccer is part of what defines me, it is what I enjoy, everyone working together and just being a team.
Soccer is my little escape from every thing, a whole group of girls that I can always talk to.
Its sad to think that was my last game there, but it does not feel like the end.
We still have indoor to play and a trip to vegas!
So it is not the end of us, just the end of a location.
I will miss it dearly, but i hope to continue playing the sport I love most!

always make me smile.

Every year I do this is makes me smile!
Helping her decorate at the Ronald McDonald House.
This has been something we have been doing your years, and two days out of there year we come in and take over that place.
Yes, there are still people living there, but if they are not helping they not to get out of the way.
In a matter of hours we transform the place into a christmas wonderland.
Putting up 5 smaller tress (like 8 ft) and one MASSIVE tree, but lets not forget the garland and all the extra christmas stuff we put all over the house. The people who are staying there, absolutely adore this. Some help decorate, because they know they will not decorate there house, and other just admire because it makes them feel a bit more at home.
This year, as i was decorating a tree, two little boys staying there came over and offered to help me. This was the perfect tree for them because it was full of key chains, so they could not break them. These two little boy had a blast, putting 5 key changes all in the same place, but I did not touch them. This was a tree for their house and that is how they wanted it to look.
Yes, this is a bitter sweet moment. There is not a very high moral in the place, because everyone staying there has a sick child. But, when we are there everyone seems to smile.
Well, I hope they enjoy the decorating, because I had so much put putting it up!
Well for me, its off the out door soccer; with a ton of homework yet to start!

FUCK`

FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS.
This is not fair.

frustrated.

Recently, i have been so frustrated.
Yes I did pull through on my quarter grades! thank god( literally).
But I just seem at a major loss.
I dont know what it is but I really can not handle any of this anymore.
One day soon I am going to snap on someone, cry to someone, yell at someone and befriend someone.

I just don't know what it is, but i am just done with it. and i do not know what it is either.
School is stressing me out, but that is normal.
My friends are AWESOME. so that is never the problem.
I just don't know what that something is but it is putting in a bad mood.
Ok, well now that i think about it, I know exactly what it is and there is nothing that can be done about it.
i talked with a few friends two months ago, i CRIED my eyes out to ***** on the23rd, and that did not seem to help.
They are temporary fixes. Help me make in through the week and through the treatment. But I always end up back in the funk of being pissed off, but not showing it. So the other day I was sitting in class and these two boys i sit in front of asked me what was wrong with my leg. I gave them a short HARSH version. And i had NO problem telling it. All they could say was wow i am sorry, but at least you are in good sprits about it. So, i came to the realization that I can tell random people about it, cause they are not my friends I do not see and talk with them everyday they really do not care. But when it comes to my friends it took me a year to finally tell them cause they care about me, and when I talk with them it sounds more realistic then when i tell randoms. They just find it kind of interesting. I know I am ranting here, but it will help me make it though the next hour, but sure not tomorrow and not this weekend.
I am honestly lost for people to talk about this with. I feel my friends do not care anymore cause they are their own problems and do not know what to say. I do not understand how people make it though this harsh of stuff, but I also think as a teenager i only know one other person who has problems THIS serious. So maybe I can find someone to talk/cry to. cause that is about all i need right now. Yes, I do have a few people in mind, *** ***** **** ****** ********, but I think these people do not want to talk, so i have cried to these people enough. I am just at a lost here, with this mental battle I am losing.

HATE(AGAIN)

I HATE THIS PAPER. IT IS GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME.
AND DID I MENTION I STILL HAVE AN APP THAT IS DUE IN LESS THEN 24 HOURS AND I STILL HAVE AN ESSAY FOR IT. EWW

HATE

I HATE COLLEGE AND I AM NOT EVEN THERE YET.

thinking.

So I could write and write about what happened this weekend.
Well i all ready did that, I wrote 3 pages in diary about sabbath.
I am SO happy that I went. I really think I saw the lord saturday night.
As I sat there and balled my eyes out i had everyone around me praying for me.
And you can came over to talk, and in that moment you changed me.
I was not expecting that at all, and it put the biggest smile on my face. I had not been that happy in a year.
And this picture reminded me of.....everything.
Cause i sure know i am thinking about.....

SHEMA

Today the coolest thing happened to me.
I was sitting in the hospital getting my treatments, and all of the sudden my doctor walks in.
The first word out of her mouth was "shema"
Today i wore my shirt with Hebrew writing on it from my church retreat this weekend.
She knew what the Hebrew writing translated to in english.
This totally freaked me, i never thought anyone would know that this meant.
honestly it made me smile so much! I think this is truly seeing the lord working.
This is now my new favorite shirt!

where to go from here.

So, i am on a quick homework break and I deiced to post real quick.
The past few days we have been looking into getting a second opinon for my weird disease.
We found a few people to talk with and sent a few emails.
The John Hopkins guy responded very quickly, and had an interest to see me. However, we came to find out he did not have must experience with EF, and was not fit for my needs.
But, we also emailed people at MAYO clinic; a very respected place.
After a few days they finally responded, with some news that straight up scared me:
They said they have NO ONE with any experience with EF( let me remind you MAYO is top 5 in the world)
but they would like me to come for 4 days of testing to try and find a cure and stay there and be treated.
Sure, i would love to come be your test rat... NOT!!!
But that scared me, what if this is my new reality. Going places and test after test being done to try and find MAYBE a cure.
Where is this heading? i am lost beyond belief.
We also talked with another person and told them what meds I have tried and failed, and he was very shocked to hear that they did not work. THAT SCARED ME TO DEATH.
I now have other doctors being surprised by me, no that is not suppose to be the case. they are the smart people.
We have also contacted my current doctor, she is helping us get the scored opinion. I am not sure if that is really good or really bad. Is she doubting her work or very confident that what she is doing it right?
Who knows at this point. I am to lost.
I just hope one day soon, I find some sort of cure or reassurance. I need that right now.

Someone the other day told me: " Bad things always happen to the good people, and nothing seems to happen to the bad. One day their day will come. I know it will"
I wait for this day, not for revenge, but so people can understand how much this truly sucks.
Yes the doctors, hospitals, needles, questions, fake conversations, all suck
but what sucks the most is the mental battle. I am lost for words to describe it.
I need a break FROM ALL OF IT.

the question is...

the question is... to go or not to go?
i really want to go, but i am not sure if i can handle it.
being away for 3 days and deal with everything there.
there is this and that and for a few other reasons, I am worried about going.
I do not know what to do here.

This is a day for the books

Well today was a very interesting day.
My brother called me out from study hall lunch and Spanish
We went out to lunch, sat and talked about colleges, then on the way back to school I suggested that we go bowling. We were right at the lanes. So of we went. Doing something like that was so fun. Just he and I having fun, and just being. We played two games. The first one I won by one pin and the second one I crushed him. And let me tell you I have beat him. All my life he has won, just cause he was older then me and a boy. I never let this bother me, but today I got to rub it in his face that I won!!! I just love doing totally random things with my brother.
On a completely different note.....
"this is a day for the books" is generally known as a good day, but that wa not the case for me. Tonight, 10/18/10, I competly lost it and this is the first time it has ever happened. I realized everything is getting messed up from this dumb EF. I just can't get my mind off it, and my grades are reflecting it. So tonight I just lost it. Screaming, yelling, running, swearing, slamming doors, stomping my feet, I had my first true melt down because of EF. Yes I have cried to a few friends before and talked with a few people, but the state I was in tonight was scary.
So now battle number two beings. The mental battle.
I never thought I would have to fight this one, but I think that about a lot of things.
So as I continue my losing battle, of one year now, I start to add the second.
Who knows what this will entail, who knows what any of this will entail.
I could sit and bitch for hours about my EF, but I can't find words right now to put with it, so for now good night!

MICHIGAN!

I KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE.
I WANT TO BE A PART OF THE A^2
ANN ARBOR!
THAT IS MY HOME.
I FEEL I BELONG THERE
I NEED TO GO THERE!
I LOVE THAT PLACE!
I WANT TO GO TO THE BIG HOUSE!

Wishing

Is it wrong to wish for someone?
Someone to be with you
Someone to hold you
Someone to make you smile
Someone to text you "goodnight"
Someone to make you laugh
Someone to make a bad day good
Someone to make you never want to let go
Someone to love you.
Is it wrong to dream?

*don't know why the picture of him.... other then the fact that he is cute!

the 240th day of the year and the 282nd day of the year

"Nothing hurts more than realizing it meant everything to you, but you meant nothing"
"I don't miss it, I miss the thought it what it was"
"If you really love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back it was never yours"
"My head is saying who cares? And my heart is screaming I do."

no title.

oh i am so lost for words right now and that is probably a good thing for a everyone.
and i suggest you answer your god damn phone for the sake of your life.

ME:2 HS:0

yep that is right. i have two and hinsdale central has zero.
this feeling of VICTORY has over come me
Yes i could sit here and dwell on just how shitty the past 5 days have been,
But i am refusing to accept all the stuff.
so to end on a happy note....

100 and 1 things.

i could blog about tooo many things right now.

My life is __________.
Fill in the blank
I can make ever word work, i have something for it!
Maybe that is a good thing.. but right now its just a bit crazy.
But if it was not for crazy, what would i be?

Anyway.
morgan: call me. we have planning to do pronto!
and kelsey: feel better! are tomorrow.. can you still go?

AND ITS HOMECOMING FRIDAY!!!!!
(but i am still on crutches. doctors=ewwww)

really?

Really.
You have managed to piss you off again.
You are famous for doing this every time, and I have refused to believe it.
However this time I see at in full throttle.
This is B.S.
Its all total BS
I truly can not get over it.

P.S. Congrats to you and you and a few more.. but really what the hell happened?
I thought we were above these childish games.. Lets be real here.
WHO RIGDED IT?

P.S.S. And today was round two. and it went awful, but i am not going to let it get to me.
I am just going to tell my self "stuff like this happens to the best of us" and keep moving on.
That is about all I can do.

untitled.

hmmm. were to begin with this weekend.
Friday night was so much fun.
I went shopping with one of my friends after school, and then we went to the football game.
Right as the came was starting me and two other friends decided to go take a little adventure.
by the time i figured it out.. i realized i had a date to Homecoming.
After that we went to the dolla dance!! which was crazyy. so happy it was a success! CADA!!!!!
Then i went down to U of I for a soccer tournament. Soccer wise nothing good came out of it. We lost our first game and tied our second and lost our third( cause at that point we did not even care). but friendship wise it was awesome!! on saturday night i went into this girls room and we sat in her bed for hours and just spilled our hearts to each other. I love doing things like this, especially with new friends!
This weekend has been a nerve filled one. I am nervous for 240 tomorrow, because.. of that. the words i can not say.
And i really want to be there, but i am nervous i will not make it back to school.
I have round 2 of the bomb treatments tomorrow down at u of c. I am not freaking out as much this time. prob cause i have so much other stuff on my mind.
And then after that doctor i will have to go see another one cause i may have broken my foot at soccer today. I really do not think so, but i have to use the crutches until i get the final call.
So to say the least my weekend was crazy. but not in a fun way.

THE ULTIMATE BURN...
yep that is what i got. thanks to you.
i tried and i lost.
so lessom learned there.

" that that don't kill you, is what makes you stronger"

Defeat

today I found the word to describe how I feel on how many levels.
The word is DEFEAT.
its describes....
-marathon
-illness
- senior year
-homecoming
-life
-marathon
-marathon

And did i mention the marathon.
I AM SO UPSET that i am not running that.
I wanted to prove everyone wrong, show them that I could run it.
but now i have lost.
and yesterday was the cherry on top.
I got my registration packet in the mail.. this was like a knife to my heart.
My heart stopped, all I wanted to do was run. that was it. and now i can not.
I am so sick and tired of all this.

well in the mists of all this, i did get some good news! the insurance is going to pay for my INSANELY expensive treatments.

but the cherry on top of this whole situation, is i have my miss the homecoming pep rally for my next treatment.
yeah.. i have one senior HC.. and i need to miss it.. i am so annoyed with this.
what do you want to hear.. you win?? didn't you figure that out a long ass time ago when i was sick and tired of this.
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? you win. i wave the white flag.
now where from here?

Why I love my blog: all day at school i put a smile on my face pretending to be ok with all this.. when really I want to say if F this. it has won. i am done. I pretend to joke about, just so i do not have to face the truth.
blogging about this makes me feel a bit better, a place that will always listen to me, no matter how much i bitch about how effed i am.

quotes

so i have a new little obsession.
and it is inspirational/meaningful quotes
i just love them.
I find it funny how many relate to my life
and reading these help me put words with my dismay
I read them on the walls in my math room. and just remember old ones.
so today i just googled imaged them and found some ever powerful ones.
And when i find a really good one. i write it on my folder or save it to my desktop.
This is describes to many things right now, it is truly unbelievable how so little words can sum up 11 months and a different 2 months.
and to make it all better this is the first one that came up.. weird.

defines me

FUCK.

FUCKKKKKKK

"what does not kill you is it what makes you stronger"

whirl wind weekend.

so where do i begin other then this was a crazy weekend.
friday night i was a huge bitch...
and saturday things were very awkward
and today I lost it.
when i get around my friends.. I just get so pissed of about IT. I don't know what it is
like tonight I could have killed some one. IT just upset so much this weekend
but I came to a realization..
I am the one who should be upset with my self.
I got hard core played.
I should have listened to all of my friends.. they told me no
but I went with my instinct.. and I ended up getting burned like no other.
I don't know why but this one is ALL on me..
I should have know IT better then that.
but I feel apart and cracked for IT
I guess I am upset with my self.

but there is just this part of me that wants to fix things.. I can not stand when people are mad at me..
I just feel like i need to fix things...
AHH I HATE THIS!

worst day ever.

so today I would say could count as one of the worst days of my life.
so much shit when down at the hospital I still am in a daze.
then i try and get out of my house.. and that can not happen with out getting worse.
IT just decides to top of my night,
to good to now I have the full story on you.. and FUCK YOU! dont even talk to me.
that is all I have to say to you.
but thankfully I have some of the best friends in the whole, wide world and all these people can cheer me up!
love them!

tomorrow and sunday will be interesting.
live large, live like a babe!

Lets go Eosinophilic fasciitis it's WAR TIME

Wait,
I just realized
that i am a bitch
to you.
i say mean
thing to you.
Talk shit behind
your back.
When all I
really need is an
answer.
And I think I
found it today.
I kinda sorta
______ you.
Ask me in
ten minutes and
the answer will be
.. different.
but as for now
I am done being
a bitch to you.
i hope you feel
the same!

welcome to hell.

Senior year is awesome.. rIght?
everything so fun and chill
well the weekends sure are
its always something new and exciting.
but people forget to tell you.
that monday through friday
absolutely suck.

I LOVE YOU!

I officially love my tutor.. she has helped me so much on my ACT and now she is helping me with my essays
But that is totally besides the point, I just sat and cried to her about what is going on. She is only the really person who will listen to what is going and has some sort of words of advice.
Yes, i can talk to my friends.. but yesterday she saved me. I just cried and told her how much it sucks.
Yes, it did not fix things but it had me feel better.
not 100%, but will I ever be back to that state of mind. Right now I think not.
But she just listened and it was great.
No, we got no college done.. but right now college is not my number one priority. I just want to be free.
She saved me... yes i am still crying my self to sleep every night. but it is a shorter cry and I am finding some justice and sanity again!
I never want this friday to come.. NOO
But I still lover her.. she still saved me!

I still believe that i can cry my pain away.
I just want all this to be over with. IT and it^2 and all is want to is to live!

LIVE LIKE A BABE!
new favorite phrase!

ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO IN A HOLE AND CRY IT AWAY

...

why do I do this to myself...
you FRUSTRATE me.

ohh...

Why do i sit and think of you?
I sit and wish about what it could be.
But then i get a reality check every time we talk.
I do not know what to think of you.
I wish I had the answer,
but I do not know if there is one.
I sometimes wish you had the answer,
but I am only looking for one answer.
So I do not know what to do with you..
just why?

Oh and some other news to top off my day.. i may have to drop out of the marathon because of my leg.
It seems to get worse after i run a lot in the heat... but according to the doctor that has nothing to do with it.. but I don't believe she knows what she is talking about. As of right now.. she is worthless.

frustrated.

I could sit here and talk about everything I have to do, but right now that is so irrelevant.
right now he is just making me so bad. but i guess i sorta have no reasons to be super mad other than are morels are completely different. This should not make me mad, he can go his way and I can go mine.. but there is something.
Who knows how long its going to last for because of what I just said.
But we will guess I will have to wait and see,
but I feel like...... just frustrated.

peace summer.

bye summer,
we had a fun run,
but i know the awesome things can not last forever,
i know we will meet again. sometime
but it will all be different
one word to describe you: memorable!!!
but this is a bitter sweet farewell,
because tomorrow i start my senior year!!

why.

I can not get you off my mind
I do not even know what happen
but i sorta wish I did remember it.

I don't know how I feel about you..
I wish I knew.
and i wish i would ask you!!

F*** you hawks soccer club

There is ont thing all year i look foward to.. and it is that first football game!! first time of being a senior!! all i want to do is wear my togo. but no you schedule a soccer game.
well guess who will not be there?? ME
I want to have fun my last soccer, and i am not going to let soccer hinder that.
so take that.

Essays.

I have been working on this purdue essay for 2 weeks now.
and here is what i have. ( see below)





That is correct.. NOTHING.

SUMMER

LOVE

"ALWAYS SMILE BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH IT"
-ANONYMOUS

Lets put my past behind me,
Live everyday to the fullest,
not worry about what happened or
what will happen.
Lets live it up
cause we only have 365 days left.

FUCK.

legit there is one word to describe how i feel right now. and FUCK just happens to be that word.
i am f***ed with things for college.
i am f***ed for summer reading
i am f***ed for next year in general
i am f***ed with.... IT
i am f***ed with him.
i am f***ed with him. again
i am f***ed with soccer.
i f***ed it up so bad today we lost cause of me.

besides all that... I AM GOING TO THE F***ING BLACK EYED PEAS CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!

just stop

All i want is for you to STOP attacking me. every day it seems to get worse and worse but know one knew what to do. Finally they found what to do.. things were looking up. this physically looked better.
then down it went. to the arms. we told her. she said it was normal and things were still OKAY.
But now as things progress.. or should I say regress.. I have found you on my stomach. a place you were NEVER suppose to be.
now the question is do we will the her and keep going. or hit the road and see the REAL professionals.
I do not know what to do with you.. why.. just why?

awesome.

There are just some people in this world that make so smile, and tonight i was with some many of them; actually to many to count on one hand!! Just these past night I have be rekindling flame, and that makes me smile. I am so happy right now I do not even know what to say!! i just love these summer nights, and i do not want them to come to an end.
Yes, right now i could tell you about how i have SO much stress.. but why think about the bad, when there is the positive to be thought about!! =)
This has been a highlight of my summer just all of these awesome people I know i have with me. I am actually a bit excited for school to start and be with all these new awesome people!!
I am just so happy right now.. I love this feeling!!!

p.s.

content.

one word i wish i could use/stop using is CONTENT. i use it when i should not and when i should use it i make up a better word ro make me look better.
sometimes i wish i could just be content with my life.. but then as i think that over, that word is not me!
i like to live the life.
i like to help others, plan things, play soccer, run miles, go crazy, bake things.... and the list goes one.
so why do i want to be content... well now that i think about it i do not want to be that way.
I just feel lost sometimes.. but i feel as i work things through i will get there!
i just feel lost.. yet there at the same time.
i just dont know what to do.

double life

I feel i am living a double life.
part of me has just returned from a life changing trip. i learned so much i cant give it words
and then there is part of me that is super stressed out.
this part of me can not decide on ONE SINGLE THING. even what button to click on the college app.
This part of me is scared and stressed and uptight and weird and not being the normal Lindsey Mackey
I freak out about the little things that do not matter, i yell at my friends for no reason. i am just plain old mean
and the even more scary thing about this is i have another 4 month of this. STRESS.
And then the part of me just being the crazy old me.
but i feel that does not even exist. i am obsessing over things i should not.
i am over looking this one thing. well there are two.. i guess?
and this is something i should not even worry about. i should just live it out. yet i am making a huge deal about it,
but maybe this is god saying something by me making a huge deal about it.
i dont know.
i just need to see my guidance councilor at school.. i think she can make all my stress go away.
she knows everything about schools. and that is all the help i need.. i think..
or maybe i need THAT friend. the one who................

home.

I am home.
I had an AMAZING time on the trip. one i can not put world with yet.
im just super stressed out right now
so much stuff to do
and people to please
well I think 2 or 3 people to please
So i am scared that I am going to get hurt or one of them will. I have to work through this one.
Staying Strong.

summer nights..

cool.

WAY TO MAKE ME (US) FEEL SO FRICKING LEFT OUT..
NOT EVEN WORTH MY TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT.

here we go..

well the DR is up and running..
we are leaving soon and I am only content with the trip.
i mean i am going to make the most of it.. but i am not jumping out of my pants with excitement.
i am really scared with the whole food thing.. but ohh well cross that bridge later.. right?
Recently i have been hanging out with lots of different people.. and i love that
I LOVE THIS SUMMER.
I am watching for favorite TV show right now.. The Bachelorette.. i love that SHOW!!!
its so cute!!! but i feel bad for ali cause i think she might get hurt.. but its such a cute show!!
I want a boyfriend like all those boys on the show.just kidding!!!!
SUMMER BOYS.. love that song!!

all i want to do..

All i want..

is to go in a hole and cry.
is this summer to stay for ever
is for nothing to change.
is someone to talk to
is my best friend back
is for this mission trip to be over
is for my leg to be all fixed so i can stop worrying
is my boy back
is this summer to stay forever
to see my besties again

all i really want is to live the time of my life.. but for some reason i am to scared.. scared to be.. scared to be judged.. scared to lose what i had. scared to lose who i have.

but for now, i am going to live.. let go.. its summer baby!!!

why??

today I went to visit my moms friends grave.
I went with another friends, and we looked around for 45 minutes.. and still could not find it.
So we went to get help. The lady working there was very helpful and told us right where it is.
So back we went, round two.
After more time of looking around, i thought i find out. But, there was no tomb stone to confirm it.
So, another nice employee came up and confirmed we had the right there.
There she was, no stone to identify her by; just a few pots of flowers.
And there she was, I did not know how to feel. She has been gone for 8 months now, but it seems like yesterday that i was at her house partying it up.

I miss you dearly, and i hope you are doing well. Your daughter is growing up into a beautiful young girl, learning some thing new everyday. Everyday she thinks of you wishing her mommy could come back. I can not feel her pain, but I want you to come back as well. I miss seeing you, always someone to make me laugh, and someone on my side. I miss you!!

That is what i wish i could say to you, but not today and hopefully not tomorrow, but someday we will meet again.

I am not exactly sure why i went to see the grave today, but it made me sad, but also thankful for what i have.
I LOVE YOU GRACIE AND MRS PLAMONDON!!

time is passing bye

I can not believe how fast this summer is going fast. summer school has been taking over my life,
But i am glad I did it cause next year is going to be crazy and i am going to need the time.
This summer so far has been a good summer, i have seen everyone built stronger friendships, and lost a few. But that happens with the end of school. i am still doing some college searching, but i am super scared about that. every time i think about it i freak my self out. it is something i try not to think about, but i know i must. and that makes me super sad.
and then summer flings.. ohh well. it happens. you can not win every battle.
Well i really dont have much to say, summer is chill and i am loving it!
I will update some time again.

P.s. I wonder if anyone is reading this?? are you out there?? i hope not.

summer.

be some time now from when i blogged, but i bring good news.
summer has been off to a good start. i am seeing different people, which is way more fun then hanging out with the same people.
i got my grades and i did REALLY well only one B. so my GPA is good.
I ROCKED my ACT which i am so happy about, cause i lost serious sleep over it.
Now i am in summer school, which is taking up some time; however i need to get it done.
well that is all for now.. its summer!!!!!

BIRTHDAY!!

ahh, yesterday was my birthday. it was a pretty good birthday!!!!!
i have finals and i need to hit the books, blog more about it later!!!!!
wish me luck on finals!!

I JUST WANT MY ACT SCORE. ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE THEIRS AND I DO NOT KNOW WHERE MINE IS. I REALLY WANT IT. I HOPE I DID WELL. OR I THINK I DID. I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF WAITING.
WELL BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, AND I WILL BE 17!! AHH SO EXCITING!!!!!
WELL ABOUT A WEEK OF SCHOOL LEFT WHICH IS AWESOME, AND I SILL DONT HAVE A JOB THIS SUMMER.
DANG IT. BUT ITS FOR THE BETTER IS WHAT I AM TELLING MY SELF.
NEXT YEAR I NEED TO GET ONE EARLY.

Throwing the towel in.

Now the big question I am having is when do i throw the towel in. I was trying for an A in American lit, but yesterday i lost it. i failed a test and is brought me down to a B-. and i have other things i really need to focus on. like US history. I am going to get an A on that final i just need to study real hard for it. and i am going to do that, so do i be done with Am. Lit, when is it time to throw in the towel and take the B? i just don't know. i know. It was bring my GPA down, but i don't want to over do myself and end up with two B. i am praying to god, that he will help me. that is all about i have left. SO i am just going to keep going along and keep studying its the only thing I can do.

so close.

Where to begin.
Things are just so crazy right now, i just want it all to end. I feel the pressure is really on. I need to keep my grades up, but i am lacking the drive. I am hoping that I can kick it into high gear and get things done. It is really essential that I do that. On the other hand i am really stressing about this summer. I would really like to find a job and i am having so much trouble doing that. I just pray that i find one, but if I don't I know god has a plan for me this summer. Soccer just ended and i am very sad to see it end. It was so much fun. I enjoyed going to practice everyday and playing the game. Our final record was 13-1-1. We were un defeated until the last two, but oh well it happens. I am really looking forward to next year because it will be a lot of fun. But as school comes to an end i start a new chapter of my life. well actually many new ones. But one major one is my Chicago marathon stuff. I really need to start running a lot, so i can get in shape and finish that bad boy. well that is all for now, time to go study and crank out some awesome grades!!!

ohh just one more thing cause its on my mind. well he is on my mind. Some days I think yes and others days I think no. I have no idea where he stands on this, but do I really want to know?

-I am not sure why i write, I don't know if anyone is reading. But i kind of like that. i can be my true self and not have to worry about people judging me. I actually really like that.

Welcome back.

WELL I HAVE NOT BEEN ON MY BLOG FOR A LONG TIME, BUT I THINK ABOUT IT ALOT. SOMETIMES I JUST DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY. BUT TODAY I FIGURED I WOULD WRITE. I WAS JUST LOOKING AT MY OLD POST AND SAW SOMETHING ABOUT THE ACT. I AM SO HAPPY THAT IS OVER WITH, I GOT MY APRIL SCORES BACK, AND I DID REALLY WELL. I THINK I DID EVEN BETTER ON THE IN SCHOOL. SO THE STRESS THERE IS GONE. BUT COME FALL A WHOLE NEW LEVEL COMES. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT FINALS ARE ALMOST UPON US. ABOUT FOUR WEEKS TILL SCHOOL OVER. THAT TIME IS GOING TO FLY BY. EVERY WEEKEND I HAVE SOMETHING. THIS FRIDAY I AM GOING TO SEE MY COUSIN AND WE ARE GETTING OUR EARS PIRCED!!! I FEEL BAD BECAUSE THERE IS A CHURCH THING I WANT TO GO TO, BUT I TOLD MY COUSIN FIRST. OH WELL. MAYBE I CAN STOP BYE. SOCCER SEASON HAS COME, AND IS ALMOST GONE. I HAVE HAD SO SO MUCH FUN, WITH ALL THE GIRLS. BUT WE HAVE OUT THREE BIGGEST GAMES IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. I REALLY HOPE WE WIN!!! WOW I CAN NOT GET OVER HOW FAST THIS YEAR WENT, BUT I AM NOG GOING TO DWELL ON IT. I AM GOING TO LIVE IT. SUPER BUSY WITH EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE CHICAGO MARATHON, WHICH I AM RUNNING!!! I AM SO SO SO EXCITED FOR THAT. WELL THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY AND I MUST GO STUDY FOR MY MATH TEST, I NEED AN A ON IT. AND SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK. I KINDA LIKED IT THOUGH.

where are you?

i sit on my computer looking at a black screen. i go to facebook and kill time. i do nothing. i have things to do. homework sleep be social, study. i have a never ending list, that keeps getting longer and longer cause i do nothing about it. i see my grades start to slips, but i have nothing inside me to make me care. i know colleges care. and i really care about that. but i have no fire or drive. i need a pick me a up. a major. i pray to god, and he listens but i am not sure if he takes action. maybe i need to pray to him more often. spring break is coming soon, maybe after that i will have a energy to pull through the rest of the year. I need some FIRE. please help me find it. where are you?

moday.

ahh.. today was a long day.
i hate to wake up at 5:21 which is very early for me. i had morning soccer. and it was just okay. could have been better or worse.
but after that i went and saw my ACT tutor. i think she is helping a lot. which is good and i really need that. so by thinking she is helping it put me in a really good mood!!!!

Procrastinating

i wish i could stop procrastinating. That is all i ever do on sundays and i wish i could be productive. i have things to do just no drive to do them? someone help me. i feel like nothing is working.

and if you could not tell from the colors. right now i really want to go to university of illinois for college. i really hope i can get in there!!!

SURPRISE!!!!

Today i am going to a surprise birthday party for my friend! i am really excited! Alot of the people going i have not seen in a really long time, and i want to reunite with them. (reunite. what a fun word) I am a little nervous though because I have not seen some of these people in a really long time. I need to find something to wear and i need to Finish my ACT homework. Oh how i love the ACT. It is just great, i have books beyond books, and one heack of an expensive tutor. I really want my score to go up, and i hope she helps!!!!

Today my brother sat and yelled for not having good enough grades in school, and he said I will not go to college. Everyday i sit and think will i go to the college that i want. Am i smarter enough to get in??? and when people bring it up i just get more upset and get more down on my self.

I hope everything works out.

Welcome to my life.

Welcome to my life.
Hi my name is lindsey. i just created this blog today. many of my friends have them, so i decided i would try it. Speaking of my friends, i hope they do not see this. ( and if they do. i don't want to know)
So you may ask, why did you make this blog?
and i can tell you. i made this blog to document the rest of my time here. i don't know how long it will be, but i figured this would be a fun way to make is last.
I always have questions running though my mind, and i will probably pot many of them here.
i hope you enjoy( for whom ever is reading)!!!!!!