Defeat

today I found the word to describe how I feel on how many levels.
The word is DEFEAT.
its describes....
-marathon
-illness
- senior year
-homecoming
-life
-marathon
-marathon

And did i mention the marathon.
I AM SO UPSET that i am not running that.
I wanted to prove everyone wrong, show them that I could run it.
but now i have lost.
and yesterday was the cherry on top.
I got my registration packet in the mail.. this was like a knife to my heart.
My heart stopped, all I wanted to do was run. that was it. and now i can not.
I am so sick and tired of all this.

well in the mists of all this, i did get some good news! the insurance is going to pay for my INSANELY expensive treatments.

but the cherry on top of this whole situation, is i have my miss the homecoming pep rally for my next treatment.
yeah.. i have one senior HC.. and i need to miss it.. i am so annoyed with this.
what do you want to hear.. you win?? didn't you figure that out a long ass time ago when i was sick and tired of this.
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? you win. i wave the white flag.
now where from here?

Why I love my blog: all day at school i put a smile on my face pretending to be ok with all this.. when really I want to say if F this. it has won. i am done. I pretend to joke about, just so i do not have to face the truth.
blogging about this makes me feel a bit better, a place that will always listen to me, no matter how much i bitch about how effed i am.