100 and 1 things.

i could blog about tooo many things right now.

My life is __________.
Fill in the blank
I can make ever word work, i have something for it!
Maybe that is a good thing.. but right now its just a bit crazy.
But if it was not for crazy, what would i be?

Anyway.
morgan: call me. we have planning to do pronto!
and kelsey: feel better! are tomorrow.. can you still go?

AND ITS HOMECOMING FRIDAY!!!!!
(but i am still on crutches. doctors=ewwww)

really?

Really.
You have managed to piss you off again.
You are famous for doing this every time, and I have refused to believe it.
However this time I see at in full throttle.
This is B.S.
Its all total BS
I truly can not get over it.

P.S. Congrats to you and you and a few more.. but really what the hell happened?
I thought we were above these childish games.. Lets be real here.
WHO RIGDED IT?

P.S.S. And today was round two. and it went awful, but i am not going to let it get to me.
I am just going to tell my self "stuff like this happens to the best of us" and keep moving on.
That is about all I can do.

untitled.

hmmm. were to begin with this weekend.
Friday night was so much fun.
I went shopping with one of my friends after school, and then we went to the football game.
Right as the came was starting me and two other friends decided to go take a little adventure.
by the time i figured it out.. i realized i had a date to Homecoming.
After that we went to the dolla dance!! which was crazyy. so happy it was a success! CADA!!!!!
Then i went down to U of I for a soccer tournament. Soccer wise nothing good came out of it. We lost our first game and tied our second and lost our third( cause at that point we did not even care). but friendship wise it was awesome!! on saturday night i went into this girls room and we sat in her bed for hours and just spilled our hearts to each other. I love doing things like this, especially with new friends!
This weekend has been a nerve filled one. I am nervous for 240 tomorrow, because.. of that. the words i can not say.
And i really want to be there, but i am nervous i will not make it back to school.
I have round 2 of the bomb treatments tomorrow down at u of c. I am not freaking out as much this time. prob cause i have so much other stuff on my mind.
And then after that doctor i will have to go see another one cause i may have broken my foot at soccer today. I really do not think so, but i have to use the crutches until i get the final call.
So to say the least my weekend was crazy. but not in a fun way.

THE ULTIMATE BURN...
yep that is what i got. thanks to you.
i tried and i lost.
so lessom learned there.

" that that don't kill you, is what makes you stronger"

Defeat

today I found the word to describe how I feel on how many levels.
The word is DEFEAT.
its describes....
-marathon
-illness
- senior year
-homecoming
-life
-marathon
-marathon

And did i mention the marathon.
I AM SO UPSET that i am not running that.
I wanted to prove everyone wrong, show them that I could run it.
but now i have lost.
and yesterday was the cherry on top.
I got my registration packet in the mail.. this was like a knife to my heart.
My heart stopped, all I wanted to do was run. that was it. and now i can not.
I am so sick and tired of all this.

well in the mists of all this, i did get some good news! the insurance is going to pay for my INSANELY expensive treatments.

but the cherry on top of this whole situation, is i have my miss the homecoming pep rally for my next treatment.
yeah.. i have one senior HC.. and i need to miss it.. i am so annoyed with this.
what do you want to hear.. you win?? didn't you figure that out a long ass time ago when i was sick and tired of this.
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? you win. i wave the white flag.
now where from here?

Why I love my blog: all day at school i put a smile on my face pretending to be ok with all this.. when really I want to say if F this. it has won. i am done. I pretend to joke about, just so i do not have to face the truth.
blogging about this makes me feel a bit better, a place that will always listen to me, no matter how much i bitch about how effed i am.

quotes

so i have a new little obsession.
and it is inspirational/meaningful quotes
i just love them.
I find it funny how many relate to my life
and reading these help me put words with my dismay
I read them on the walls in my math room. and just remember old ones.
so today i just googled imaged them and found some ever powerful ones.
And when i find a really good one. i write it on my folder or save it to my desktop.
This is describes to many things right now, it is truly unbelievable how so little words can sum up 11 months and a different 2 months.
and to make it all better this is the first one that came up.. weird.

defines me

FUCK.

FUCKKKKKKK

"what does not kill you is it what makes you stronger"

whirl wind weekend.

so where do i begin other then this was a crazy weekend.
friday night i was a huge bitch...
and saturday things were very awkward
and today I lost it.
when i get around my friends.. I just get so pissed of about IT. I don't know what it is
like tonight I could have killed some one. IT just upset so much this weekend
but I came to a realization..
I am the one who should be upset with my self.
I got hard core played.
I should have listened to all of my friends.. they told me no
but I went with my instinct.. and I ended up getting burned like no other.
I don't know why but this one is ALL on me..
I should have know IT better then that.
but I feel apart and cracked for IT
I guess I am upset with my self.

but there is just this part of me that wants to fix things.. I can not stand when people are mad at me..
I just feel like i need to fix things...
AHH I HATE THIS!

worst day ever.

so today I would say could count as one of the worst days of my life.
so much shit when down at the hospital I still am in a daze.
then i try and get out of my house.. and that can not happen with out getting worse.
IT just decides to top of my night,
to good to now I have the full story on you.. and FUCK YOU! dont even talk to me.
that is all I have to say to you.
but thankfully I have some of the best friends in the whole, wide world and all these people can cheer me up!
love them!

tomorrow and sunday will be interesting.
live large, live like a babe!

Lets go Eosinophilic fasciitis it's WAR TIME

Wait,
I just realized
that i am a bitch
to you.
i say mean
thing to you.
Talk shit behind
your back.
When all I
really need is an
answer.
And I think I
found it today.
I kinda sorta
______ you.
Ask me in
ten minutes and
the answer will be
.. different.
but as for now
I am done being
a bitch to you.
i hope you feel
the same!

welcome to hell.

Senior year is awesome.. rIght?
everything so fun and chill
well the weekends sure are
its always something new and exciting.
but people forget to tell you.
that monday through friday
absolutely suck.

I LOVE YOU!

I officially love my tutor.. she has helped me so much on my ACT and now she is helping me with my essays
But that is totally besides the point, I just sat and cried to her about what is going on. She is only the really person who will listen to what is going and has some sort of words of advice.
Yes, i can talk to my friends.. but yesterday she saved me. I just cried and told her how much it sucks.
Yes, it did not fix things but it had me feel better.
not 100%, but will I ever be back to that state of mind. Right now I think not.
But she just listened and it was great.
No, we got no college done.. but right now college is not my number one priority. I just want to be free.
She saved me... yes i am still crying my self to sleep every night. but it is a shorter cry and I am finding some justice and sanity again!
I never want this friday to come.. NOO
But I still lover her.. she still saved me!

I still believe that i can cry my pain away.
I just want all this to be over with. IT and it^2 and all is want to is to live!

LIVE LIKE A BABE!
new favorite phrase!

ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO IN A HOLE AND CRY IT AWAY