I HATE THIS PAPER. IT IS GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME.
AND DID I MENTION I STILL HAVE AN APP THAT IS DUE IN LESS THEN 24 HOURS AND I STILL HAVE AN ESSAY FOR IT. EWW
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
thinking.
So I could write and write about what happened this weekend.
Well i all ready did that, I wrote 3 pages in diary about sabbath.
I am SO happy that I went. I really think I saw the lord saturday night.
As I sat there and balled my eyes out i had everyone around me praying for me.
And you can came over to talk, and in that moment you changed me.
I was not expecting that at all, and it put the biggest smile on my face. I had not been that happy in a year.
And this picture reminded me of.....everything.
Cause i sure know i am thinking about.....
SHEMA
Today the coolest thing happened to me.
I was sitting in the hospital getting my treatments, and all of the sudden my doctor walks in.
The first word out of her mouth was "shema"
Today i wore my shirt with Hebrew writing on it from my church retreat this weekend.
She knew what the Hebrew writing translated to in english.
This totally freaked me, i never thought anyone would know that this meant.
honestly it made me smile so much! I think this is truly seeing the lord working.
This is now my new favorite shirt!
I was sitting in the hospital getting my treatments, and all of the sudden my doctor walks in.
The first word out of her mouth was "shema"
Today i wore my shirt with Hebrew writing on it from my church retreat this weekend.
She knew what the Hebrew writing translated to in english.
This totally freaked me, i never thought anyone would know that this meant.
honestly it made me smile so much! I think this is truly seeing the lord working.
This is now my new favorite shirt!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
where to go from here.
So, i am on a quick homework break and I deiced to post real quick.
The past few days we have been looking into getting a second opinon for my weird disease.
We found a few people to talk with and sent a few emails.
The John Hopkins guy responded very quickly, and had an interest to see me. However, we came to find out he did not have must experience with EF, and was not fit for my needs.
But, we also emailed people at MAYO clinic; a very respected place.
After a few days they finally responded, with some news that straight up scared me:
They said they have NO ONE with any experience with EF( let me remind you MAYO is top 5 in the world)
but they would like me to come for 4 days of testing to try and find a cure and stay there and be treated.
Sure, i would love to come be your test rat... NOT!!!
But that scared me, what if this is my new reality. Going places and test after test being done to try and find MAYBE a cure.
Where is this heading? i am lost beyond belief.
We also talked with another person and told them what meds I have tried and failed, and he was very shocked to hear that they did not work. THAT SCARED ME TO DEATH.
I now have other doctors being surprised by me, no that is not suppose to be the case. they are the smart people.
We have also contacted my current doctor, she is helping us get the scored opinion. I am not sure if that is really good or really bad. Is she doubting her work or very confident that what she is doing it right?
Who knows at this point. I am to lost.
I just hope one day soon, I find some sort of cure or reassurance. I need that right now.
Someone the other day told me: " Bad things always happen to the good people, and nothing seems to happen to the bad. One day their day will come. I know it will"
I wait for this day, not for revenge, but so people can understand how much this truly sucks.
Yes the doctors, hospitals, needles, questions, fake conversations, all suck
but what sucks the most is the mental battle. I am lost for words to describe it.
I need a break FROM ALL OF IT.
The past few days we have been looking into getting a second opinon for my weird disease.
We found a few people to talk with and sent a few emails.
The John Hopkins guy responded very quickly, and had an interest to see me. However, we came to find out he did not have must experience with EF, and was not fit for my needs.
But, we also emailed people at MAYO clinic; a very respected place.
After a few days they finally responded, with some news that straight up scared me:
They said they have NO ONE with any experience with EF( let me remind you MAYO is top 5 in the world)
but they would like me to come for 4 days of testing to try and find a cure and stay there and be treated.
Sure, i would love to come be your test rat... NOT!!!
But that scared me, what if this is my new reality. Going places and test after test being done to try and find MAYBE a cure.
Where is this heading? i am lost beyond belief.
We also talked with another person and told them what meds I have tried and failed, and he was very shocked to hear that they did not work. THAT SCARED ME TO DEATH.
I now have other doctors being surprised by me, no that is not suppose to be the case. they are the smart people.
We have also contacted my current doctor, she is helping us get the scored opinion. I am not sure if that is really good or really bad. Is she doubting her work or very confident that what she is doing it right?
Who knows at this point. I am to lost.
I just hope one day soon, I find some sort of cure or reassurance. I need that right now.
Someone the other day told me: " Bad things always happen to the good people, and nothing seems to happen to the bad. One day their day will come. I know it will"
I wait for this day, not for revenge, but so people can understand how much this truly sucks.
Yes the doctors, hospitals, needles, questions, fake conversations, all suck
but what sucks the most is the mental battle. I am lost for words to describe it.
I need a break FROM ALL OF IT.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
the question is...
the question is... to go or not to go?
i really want to go, but i am not sure if i can handle it.
being away for 3 days and deal with everything there.
there is this and that and for a few other reasons, I am worried about going.
I do not know what to do here.
i really want to go, but i am not sure if i can handle it.
being away for 3 days and deal with everything there.
there is this and that and for a few other reasons, I am worried about going.
I do not know what to do here.
Monday, October 18, 2010
This is a day for the books
Well today was a very interesting day.
My brother called me out from study hall lunch and Spanish
We went out to lunch, sat and talked about colleges, then on the way back to school I suggested that we go bowling. We were right at the lanes. So of we went. Doing something like that was so fun. Just he and I having fun, and just being. We played two games. The first one I won by one pin and the second one I crushed him. And let me tell you I have beat him. All my life he has won, just cause he was older then me and a boy. I never let this bother me, but today I got to rub it in his face that I won!!! I just love doing totally random things with my brother.
On a completely different note.....
"this is a day for the books" is generally known as a good day, but that wa not the case for me. Tonight, 10/18/10, I competly lost it and this is the first time it has ever happened. I realized everything is getting messed up from this dumb EF. I just can't get my mind off it, and my grades are reflecting it. So tonight I just lost it. Screaming, yelling, running, swearing, slamming doors, stomping my feet, I had my first true melt down because of EF. Yes I have cried to a few friends before and talked with a few people, but the state I was in tonight was scary.
So now battle number two beings. The mental battle.
I never thought I would have to fight this one, but I think that about a lot of things.
So as I continue my losing battle, of one year now, I start to add the second.
Who knows what this will entail, who knows what any of this will entail.
I could sit and bitch for hours about my EF, but I can't find words right now to put with it, so for now good night!
My brother called me out from study hall lunch and Spanish
We went out to lunch, sat and talked about colleges, then on the way back to school I suggested that we go bowling. We were right at the lanes. So of we went. Doing something like that was so fun. Just he and I having fun, and just being. We played two games. The first one I won by one pin and the second one I crushed him. And let me tell you I have beat him. All my life he has won, just cause he was older then me and a boy. I never let this bother me, but today I got to rub it in his face that I won!!! I just love doing totally random things with my brother.
On a completely different note.....
"this is a day for the books" is generally known as a good day, but that wa not the case for me. Tonight, 10/18/10, I competly lost it and this is the first time it has ever happened. I realized everything is getting messed up from this dumb EF. I just can't get my mind off it, and my grades are reflecting it. So tonight I just lost it. Screaming, yelling, running, swearing, slamming doors, stomping my feet, I had my first true melt down because of EF. Yes I have cried to a few friends before and talked with a few people, but the state I was in tonight was scary.
So now battle number two beings. The mental battle.
I never thought I would have to fight this one, but I think that about a lot of things.
So as I continue my losing battle, of one year now, I start to add the second.
Who knows what this will entail, who knows what any of this will entail.
I could sit and bitch for hours about my EF, but I can't find words right now to put with it, so for now good night!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
MICHIGAN!
I KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE.
I WANT TO BE A PART OF THE A^2
ANN ARBOR!
THAT IS MY HOME.
I FEEL I BELONG THERE
I NEED TO GO THERE!
I LOVE THAT PLACE!
I WANT TO GO TO THE BIG HOUSE!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wishing
Is it wrong to wish for someone?
Someone to be with you
Someone to hold you
Someone to make you smile
Someone to text you "goodnight"
Someone to make you laugh
Someone to make a bad day good
Someone to make you never want to let go
Someone to love you.
Is it wrong to dream?
*don't know why the picture of him.... other then the fact that he is cute!
Someone to be with you
Someone to hold you
Someone to make you smile
Someone to text you "goodnight"
Someone to make you laugh
Someone to make a bad day good
Someone to make you never want to let go
Someone to love you.
Is it wrong to dream?
*don't know why the picture of him.... other then the fact that he is cute!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
the 240th day of the year and the 282nd day of the year
"Nothing hurts more than realizing it meant everything to you, but you meant nothing"
"I don't miss it, I miss the thought it what it was"
"If you really love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back it was never yours"
"My head is saying who cares? And my heart is screaming I do."
"I don't miss it, I miss the thought it what it was"
"If you really love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back it was never yours"
"My head is saying who cares? And my heart is screaming I do."
Sunday, October 10, 2010
no title.
oh i am so lost for words right now and that is probably a good thing for a everyone.
and i suggest you answer your god damn phone for the sake of your life.
and i suggest you answer your god damn phone for the sake of your life.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
ME:2 HS:0
yep that is right. i have two and hinsdale central has zero.
this feeling of VICTORY has over come me
Yes i could sit here and dwell on just how shitty the past 5 days have been,
But i am refusing to accept all the stuff.
so to end on a happy note....
this feeling of VICTORY has over come me
Yes i could sit here and dwell on just how shitty the past 5 days have been,
But i am refusing to accept all the stuff.
so to end on a happy note....
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