...

why do I do this to myself...
you FRUSTRATE me.

ohh...

Why do i sit and think of you?
I sit and wish about what it could be.
But then i get a reality check every time we talk.
I do not know what to think of you.
I wish I had the answer,
but I do not know if there is one.
I sometimes wish you had the answer,
but I am only looking for one answer.
So I do not know what to do with you..
just why?

Oh and some other news to top off my day.. i may have to drop out of the marathon because of my leg.
It seems to get worse after i run a lot in the heat... but according to the doctor that has nothing to do with it.. but I don't believe she knows what she is talking about. As of right now.. she is worthless.

frustrated.

I could sit here and talk about everything I have to do, but right now that is so irrelevant.
right now he is just making me so bad. but i guess i sorta have no reasons to be super mad other than are morels are completely different. This should not make me mad, he can go his way and I can go mine.. but there is something.
Who knows how long its going to last for because of what I just said.
But we will guess I will have to wait and see,
but I feel like...... just frustrated.

peace summer.

bye summer,
we had a fun run,
but i know the awesome things can not last forever,
i know we will meet again. sometime
but it will all be different
one word to describe you: memorable!!!
but this is a bitter sweet farewell,
because tomorrow i start my senior year!!

why.

I can not get you off my mind
I do not even know what happen
but i sorta wish I did remember it.

I don't know how I feel about you..
I wish I knew.
and i wish i would ask you!!

F*** you hawks soccer club

There is ont thing all year i look foward to.. and it is that first football game!! first time of being a senior!! all i want to do is wear my togo. but no you schedule a soccer game.
well guess who will not be there?? ME
I want to have fun my last soccer, and i am not going to let soccer hinder that.
so take that.

Essays.

I have been working on this purdue essay for 2 weeks now.
and here is what i have. ( see below)





That is correct.. NOTHING.

SUMMER

LOVE

"ALWAYS SMILE BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH IT"
-ANONYMOUS

Lets put my past behind me,
Live everyday to the fullest,
not worry about what happened or
what will happen.
Lets live it up
cause we only have 365 days left.

FUCK.

legit there is one word to describe how i feel right now. and FUCK just happens to be that word.
i am f***ed with things for college.
i am f***ed for summer reading
i am f***ed for next year in general
i am f***ed with.... IT
i am f***ed with him.
i am f***ed with him. again
i am f***ed with soccer.
i f***ed it up so bad today we lost cause of me.

besides all that... I AM GOING TO THE F***ING BLACK EYED PEAS CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!

just stop

All i want is for you to STOP attacking me. every day it seems to get worse and worse but know one knew what to do. Finally they found what to do.. things were looking up. this physically looked better.
then down it went. to the arms. we told her. she said it was normal and things were still OKAY.
But now as things progress.. or should I say regress.. I have found you on my stomach. a place you were NEVER suppose to be.
now the question is do we will the her and keep going. or hit the road and see the REAL professionals.
I do not know what to do with you.. why.. just why?

awesome.

There are just some people in this world that make so smile, and tonight i was with some many of them; actually to many to count on one hand!! Just these past night I have be rekindling flame, and that makes me smile. I am so happy right now I do not even know what to say!! i just love these summer nights, and i do not want them to come to an end.
Yes, right now i could tell you about how i have SO much stress.. but why think about the bad, when there is the positive to be thought about!! =)
This has been a highlight of my summer just all of these awesome people I know i have with me. I am actually a bit excited for school to start and be with all these new awesome people!!
I am just so happy right now.. I love this feeling!!!

p.s.

content.

one word i wish i could use/stop using is CONTENT. i use it when i should not and when i should use it i make up a better word ro make me look better.
sometimes i wish i could just be content with my life.. but then as i think that over, that word is not me!
i like to live the life.
i like to help others, plan things, play soccer, run miles, go crazy, bake things.... and the list goes one.
so why do i want to be content... well now that i think about it i do not want to be that way.
I just feel lost sometimes.. but i feel as i work things through i will get there!
i just feel lost.. yet there at the same time.
i just dont know what to do.

double life

I feel i am living a double life.
part of me has just returned from a life changing trip. i learned so much i cant give it words
and then there is part of me that is super stressed out.
this part of me can not decide on ONE SINGLE THING. even what button to click on the college app.
This part of me is scared and stressed and uptight and weird and not being the normal Lindsey Mackey
I freak out about the little things that do not matter, i yell at my friends for no reason. i am just plain old mean
and the even more scary thing about this is i have another 4 month of this. STRESS.
And then the part of me just being the crazy old me.
but i feel that does not even exist. i am obsessing over things i should not.
i am over looking this one thing. well there are two.. i guess?
and this is something i should not even worry about. i should just live it out. yet i am making a huge deal about it,
but maybe this is god saying something by me making a huge deal about it.
i dont know.
i just need to see my guidance councilor at school.. i think she can make all my stress go away.
she knows everything about schools. and that is all the help i need.. i think..
or maybe i need THAT friend. the one who................

home.

I am home.
I had an AMAZING time on the trip. one i can not put world with yet.
im just super stressed out right now
so much stuff to do
and people to please
well I think 2 or 3 people to please
So i am scared that I am going to get hurt or one of them will. I have to work through this one.
Staying Strong.